I was roughly 12 years old when I had my first panic attack. Unfortunately, that term was not really present in mainstream vernacular during the mid-90s (and I wouldn’t learn about it until almost a decade later). At this time, you would hear about Kurt Cobain loving drugs “too much” but were left in the dark regarding the psychology behind WHY he loved them. Not understanding the layers of “mental health issues” left my underdeveloped brain pondering why I woke up one night, unable to catch my breath, and thought I was dying. At this time, I started associating sleep with the possibility of RIP’ing out of this world. Naturally, slumber became the thing that quite literally went bump in the night and must be avoided at all costs. During this “phase” (oh, how I wish it were a phase), I became obsessed with dying from cancer. Every cold or flu or ‘forced-by-my-parents’ doctor appointment had the potential to result in the big C. As a preteen with no access to the internet, I’m not sure how I knew so much about the disease, but I was basically a real-life version of WebMD – cancer was always the answer.
SO, at a time when hormones entered the picture and my peers became obsessed with putting their mouths on other people’s mouths, I could be found in the bathroom… checking myself for nefarious lumps. I am just now processing why no one wanted to kiss me until I was 15.
After that initial panic attack at 12, they seemed to dissipate for the most part. However, this did not mean that my fear of dying, or creepy interest in a life-threatening illness, ever really went away. I was somehow self-aware enough to know that it was “weird” to suggest playing “list all of the places in your body that can grow tumors,” during sleepovers.
High school was some of my more “normal” years. I had a great group of friends (some of which I still have to this day), I was able to keep my penchant for cancer self-screenings on the DL, AND someone finally kissed me (if I’m being honest, I preferred my cancer search parties). During these years I gained confidence. I no longer felt like I might die if I gave in to sleep. AND I had my first “serious boyfriend” … whatever that means at 17.
Flashforward to university & my 20’s. I would like to be cool and reference art and call this my “insomnia period” but I’m just not cool (and I haven’t fully transitioned away from insomnia). Candidly, I’m a person who believed that the artist Jarvis painted ‘Winter Mist’ because back in 1998 Dawson’s Creek told me he had.
Here is what I later learned:
There is an abstract expressionist painter named Jarvis – Donald Jarvis – but AFAIK he did not paint this. The real Donald Jarvis died in 2001, three years after this Dawson’s Creek episode declared “Jarvis” long-dead. According to All Experts, the painting was likely purchased from a prop shop.
So, yeah … that sort of sums up that period of my life. Aside from still clinging on to unrealistic boyfriend expectations (Pacey doesn’t/will never exist), my 20s were like a run-on sentence from my teens, but with more responsibilities and trial-by-error medications. If you knew me in my 20’s, you may be thinking, “I didn’t know you took medication!” That is because I either hid it or straight up lied about it. The shame I felt about needing meds, was at times, almost as bad as the anxiety. I am so happy that the narrative around mental health and medication is changing. People are opening up about their struggles and it’s a beautiful thing (TBH, some a little too much … I don’t need to hear about everything wrong with your day via Instagram haha). I mean, we are still in the midst of a global pandemic! I’m surprised that people weren’t given Xanax with their vaccination. I’m sure Pfizer toyed with the idea.
Anywho! This leads me to the ‘where it’s going’ portion of me typey typing on the keyboard. Less than a year ago, just shy of my 36th birthday, I was diagnosed with adult ADHD. If you are like me, you probably believe in the notion that all individuals with ADHD are super hyper, have a problem sitting down and struggled in school. However, there are actually three different types of ADHD:
- inattentive type
- hyperactive-impulsive type
- combination type
I fall under the inattentive type.
The generalization of inattentive ADHD is getting distracted and having poor concentration and organizational skills. However, if you dig a little deeper, you will find a plethora of other symptoms. This was a total lightbulb moment for me. Things I had been struggling with since I was little and never “grew out of” suddenly made so much sense. The number of people who have gotten angry at me because I can never get anywhere on time – oh, boy! I can give myself three hours to get ready for something that should take me 45 minutes and I will still be rushing out the door. Procrastination and I? Life-long pals! This is one of the symptoms that I have struggled with the most (and has improved since being diagnosed and starting medication). It’s quite common to have anxiety when you have ADHD and guess what is really not good for anxiety? PROCRASTINATION, FOLKS! Some of the other symptoms that I used to beat myself up about (and if I am being honest, still do), are difficulty concentrating, missing details, being easily distracted and being bad with directions. Cooking is actually really difficult for me. I’ve been brought to tears while making dinner. I struggle with getting the timing and steps down right. I also tend to reread instructions because I forget them the second that they leave my eyeballs. My brain shuts down and says, “piss off information.” Essentially, ya girl can turn a 20-minute GoodFood into a 45-minute production. I think I may actually be better at cooking things without directions. I recently made my momma’s homemade meatballs and had a lovely time in the kitchen. If you are wondering, they were delicious.
In all honesty, there are “many reasons for your (my) noodle brain” (I believe that’s a direct quote from my therapist), but I am much more confident about how to deal with them. Don’t get me wrong, Imma be on this journey for a while! It’s just now, now I’m headed in the right direction.
I hope you enjoyed my verbal vomit. Times are tough, so can we just be honest?
Want to share your mental health journey? Email me and let me know what you would like to be honest about. I don’t even need to post it! Selfishly, I would just love to read your stories because we all want to feel seen. Also, it gives my little dopamine-deprived ADHD brain a boost of the good stuff (dopamine… dopamine in the good stuff).
PS – I’ve toyed with this blog for TWO YEARS! I really climbed deep into the “no one will care what I have to say” hole. Screw it though. That is ok. I don’t need anyone to care what I say. I have a lot of experience, empathy and a passion for writing (it’s the editing that I’d rather not eff with).
PPS – Not all entries will be this long. Most will not. I just had a lot of feelings for this one, ok?!
HOPE YOU ENJOY!
YOUR FRIEND,
NICOLE
Can We Be Honest? 